TheRealRankings

Friday, July 30, 2010

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Top Ten Things to do at a Wedding

10. Give the statistic that nearly 50% of marriages end in divorce

If you are looking for an awkward conversation, say this at the newly Weds’ table. If it seems like everyone is laughing and taking it as a joke, don’t worry they are thinking about it now. Your job is done.

9. Make an objection

Chaplin: Does anybody object that these two get married in Holy Matrimony?

You: I object. I always kinda sorta had a crush on you, Melissa, and if you get married it would totally kill me, and pretty much end my chances.

Note-If Melissa if related to you, be ready for people to ask you if you need therapy.

8. Make a toast

You can make this serious or funny. But, it will always be a surprise (if you aren’t the maid or man of honor). If you do it right, they might be making a toast to you later that night. Nice.

7. Pull a “27 Dresses”

In “27 Dresses” the guy says, “When everyone is waiting and looking for the bride to come down the aisle, I look back at the guy who is gonna marry her, and to try to imagine how he feels.” So the when the bride is coming down the aisle make sure to take a peak back at the groom, and if any ladies happen to be looking back at him, as well, you have an instant conversation starter. Congratulations.

6. Ask the groom if he is nervous

If you want to make that 50% of marriages end in divorce conversation that much more inappropriate and awkward, ask the groom if he is nervous, don’t say another word.

5. Act like a wedding crasher when you’re not

Be extremely loud, do all the things that the guys in the movie did, but be very obvious. Sporadically, shout out rules, along with their number. It always helps to have a partner. Grandpa Joe perhaps? You and Granps Joe, will be the hit of the wedding, and you might even get lucky…with your second cousin.

4. Eat

Free Food! Eat like a king, you see that huge cake? All that is left over will be stuck in the newly Wed’s fridge. Do you want them to get fat? Of course not, do your job and down at least 10 slices. Be careful on the dance floor afterwards.

3. Dance

Time to breakout the funky chicken. Get on the dance floor and groove your booty off to those classic romantic tunes. Other important dances: the sprinkler, the dice roll, and if you are daring, the worm.

2. Explore the Wedding facility

No mater where this Wedding is there are bound to be some doors you aren’t supposed to open and some rooms that you aren’t supposed to go in. You might find 20 bucks or even better 20 dear, or even better hidden treasure. More important, wherever you may be it is always important to know where the secret rooms are.

1. Ask the waitress how she’s related to the Newly Wed’s

Waitress: Steak or Chicken?

You: How do you know the Newly Weds?

Waitress: Umm, I work here.

You: Oh, you must be on the bride’s side. I’m the groom’s best friend. I love what you’re wearing.

Waitress: Oh, umm, thanks, it’s my uniform. But, I’m a waitress, I work here.

You: Oh I get it, so you don’t know anybody here?

Waitress: Nope, do you want chicken or steak?

You: I’ll take the chicken. (Creepily) I guess that means we aren’t related?

Guaranteed hook up.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Top Ten Things to do on a Bus Ride

10. License Plate Game

This one is especially fun if you are crossing state borders. The scoring goes as follows:

5-4: You have successfully accomplished your mission

3-2: You are obviously not the favorite child in your family

1: I must ask you a question, and please take it seriously, what are you doing with your life?

9. Ponder

Nothing like looking out onto a highway and thinking about all aspects of the world. And if you think hard enough and then right your thoughts down, maybe you’ll come up with a clever top ten?

8. Develop a story about your bus driver

Mine was born in Guam. He was always the best student in his class. Determined. He dreamed of one day moving to the US, become a lawyer. At 19, he made his dream coming to America a reality. The only job open at the time was one as a bus driver, he decided to lie on his application and got the job. Afraid that the company didn’t believe him he quickly developed a fake Boston accent that he still uses today. Incredible guy.

7. Act like you are on a plane

The setting is very similar, go up to the front of the bus and ask questions such as: “When is the beverage cart coming through?”, “Do we have an in-flight movies?”, or “How high are we cruising right now?” I guarantee that he will respond in a sarcastic tone or with an extremely harsh insult .

6. Wave to passing cars

The goal is to get as many waves back as possible. For scoring see #10. I must warn you, if you playing this game with a friend it can quickly escalade to mooning. And that’s just plane inappropriate, yet equally hilarious.

5. Sing “Wheels on the bus”

I double dare you. As someone with experience doing this, I will give you another guarantee, that you will be surprised by the result.

4. Ask somebody in a similar seat to switch seats with you

Ask the person right across the aisle to switch. If they ask why? say you get motion sickness. If they respond, “Well if you get motion sickness in that seat, wouldn’t you get it in this seat?” Your answer—your best pretend throw up noise. Work’s like a charm. If you are truly daring, then once you are both settled let out the pretend throw up noise again and ask, “Can we switch back?”

3. Explore the 2x2 bathroom in the back

One time my friend found 5 bucks back there. Caution do not use the toilet. If you don’t already know why, then just take my word for it. Please.

2. Sleep

Let’s be honest it is ridiculously hard to have an awesome time on a bus (unless you’re on a party bus, of course). But if you are asleep you can have a dream that you are on a party bus. Boom.

1.Look at the signs in the front of the bus

Okay so every bus will have a first-aid kid and safety procedures up there. But some bus drivers will personalize the front. Sign such as: “I have a wife and 3 kids at home, please don’t make me clean up after you too.”, “If you complain about my driving, I will be more than glad to give up the wheel.”, or “Vote Republican or you are kicked off the bus.” Are particularly refreshing and can give you a couple chucks on that long ride.