Top Ten Things to do While in Class

10. Pay Attention

Somebody’s paying for it. Might as well. But let’s get serious.

9. Throw the kid that nobody likes out the window

Defenestrate verb, the act of throwing someone or something out the window. The action has its own fancy name, you have to do it; also, you will probably get an A in the course and a date for later that night. Make sure you’re on the first floor.

8. “Go to the bathroom”

You got about 10 to 15 minutes to do whatever you want. Have your friends make you a treasure map if you don’t find it in the time that you are “going to the bathroom” you lose. They win. You lose confidence. You never get a girlfriend. You live a lonely life. Better find that treasure.

7. Get the teacher off topic

After about 2 months of having a teacher you should have programmed into your brain a list of “hot topics”. These are topics that you know your teacher could rant for days about. Dogs, soccer, father clocks, classic monocle assembly, construction, horse radish, sorbet. Mention something and try to connect it to class.

Teacher: Abraham Lincoln gave the Emancipation Proclamation.

You: My dog’s name is Emancipation Proclamation.

6. Carve your initials into the desk

Be innovative, no one has ever done it before. Oh wait, here’s an idea write, “school sucks”. Thought of that myself.

5. Day dream

Get a round trip ticket to lala land. San Juan, Puerto Rico? Sydney, Australia? Miami, Florida? Your brain can take you anywhere. But beware your teacher will probably call on you when she sees you gazing into the distance. When she calls on you make sure you say, “Absolutely,” you will never be wrong.

4. Play “Who would you do?”

Name the top 5 in your class, set up a points system, give yourself points for every time you talk to them. Tell your friends to play too, just make sure they’re not one of the top 5, and if you do, you might lose. And since you were so desperate that you made this top 5 list, you probably will lose. Lose confidence. No girlfriend. Lonely. That whole thing.

3. Stand up and do a flip.

You will gain attention from the top 5.

2. Get Naked

You will be the talk of the whole school for at least a week. Your teacher will probably be so surprised he will not even get mad. I promise.

1.Get the teacher to say the “magic word”

Make a list of ridiculous words when your teacher leaves the room. Vasectomy, E.T. phone home, rusty razor, sharp cedar cheese. Now make the teacher say one, without using the word. If your teacher does say the word, everyone in the class will get up and cheer. The teacher will reaction in one of two ways, he will prod you and ask why you cheered, in that situation you save the honor and integrity of the game, by lying to him. Or your teacher will act like nothing has happened. Either way, you’re awesome.